Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
