Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Randomize
