I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
