I accidentally had phone sex last night
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
