Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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