Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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