feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
