his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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