I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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