I wannas sexs uuuuu
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
