oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
You can't just leave with hair like that
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
