I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
FUCK WHALES
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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