I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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