She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize
