I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
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