I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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