i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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