Don't make out with my wife yet
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
