I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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