It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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