she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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