I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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