I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
