tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
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