It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
