i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
