I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
