Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
