I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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