i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Randomize
