Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I don't deserve a penis
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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