your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize