what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
