Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
