i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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