I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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