I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
