i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
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