He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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