just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
