I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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