his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
