he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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