New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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