remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
