This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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