Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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