fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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