I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
