I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
