watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Text me some of your sweat
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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