This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
