I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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