Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
