She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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