I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize