it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
