my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Randomize
