I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
